Hao!

here's one i whacked out immediately in the convo i was having with Mr. Piano:

the original ~
you see not the piercing pain that's bled
and dying wish,
upon withering weed

been playing around with little poems... arrangement and everything... i've taken to writing quickly the little inspirations for poem that have a knack for popping into my head... a small Religious Harmony notepad and pen come in really handy... and i think it helps a lot...

after some thought ~
you do not see the words that bleed
and dying wish,
upon withering weed

in the original, the first line suddenly came out of nowhere. it's actually from my Sec 2 War Sonnet, and i think its one of the few nicer parts... then i decided to see what it would be like if it actually rhymed (ohmigdness! really? wait did i speil that wrong?). royCE says his friend thinks i should have ended off my previous poem with a couplet for more impact. cool. my scribbled draft actually did end in a couplet, but it didn't sound right. but i'm just a-gonna keep the way it is :P cos i can't seem to find a way to make it feel good with a couplet... but i do have some lines i'd like to add, like "Frown professionally" and "busy with success"...